Sometimes the Christmas season comes with mixed feelings. We all have expectations of what Christmas should be, and when those expectations are not met, we feel let down. Six months after my heart transplant in 2016, my doctor in Chicago allowed me to return home to North Carolina for a few days during Christmas. I discovered a secret back then that changed my life forever. I share a very personal an intimate moment from the chapter, It’s Not Home Anymore, from my book, Quarks of Light;

Standing in front of the Christmas tree holding Melanie, I feel more connected to her than I ever have. The warm glow of the white tree lights tucked behind huge cotton snowballs and smell of pine, put me in a euphoric state of mind. This is how being alive feels. I want this more than I have in a very long time.

The next day, Maria and I are cuddled up next to the fireplace, in her leather reclining chair. To get into the holiday spirit, we are watching my favorite Christmas movie; Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. The scene when Santa and Rudolph go to the Island of Misfit Toys to rescue them from exile triggers a deeply seated childhood memory.

Having felt like a misfit as a child and all through high school, I eagerly anticipate the scene when Santa and Rudolph, boldly deliver each toy into a home, where they are accepted and valued just like they are. The cowboy that rides an ostrich, instead of a horse. A bird that swims instead of flying—I can relate to them all.

I cradle Maria tighter during this scene, which staves off old and new feelings of inadequacy. My heart is not my own; someone else is living inside me. Likewise, Maria can’t walk, talk or feed herself—we are both like Santa’s rescued toys, neither of our parts fit together. Yet, while this strong heart came from someone else, my body has adopted it and this heart has embraced its new home.

Tonight, Maria is safe in my arms. I glance at her to see how she’s reacting to this scene, and I find her staring right through me. We are communicating in unspoken language.

Maria will keep helping me remember what I learned in the Ethereal. A peace like I have never felt before settles over me and these words of truth come to my mind: We are spiritual beings, living inside fragile clay vessels. There are no misfits. We are all children born of the same light.